Merica….. that is all. Carry on.
I only have a couple minutes to indulge in blogging today so I just thought I would leave some random thoughts/vents/wonderings that flit about in my mind all day for ya’ll to enjoy.
1. Why is it that when you’re driving, and there is literally no one behind you for miles, the one car that needs to turn on the road pulls out right in front of you. You really couldn’t wait that extra second for me to pass? People are a special kind of stupid.
2. Coke really is better than Pepsi.
3. Temper tantrums are really unattractive, and not excusable, when you are older the age of like 7.
4. That one woman who works at the local deli in Walmart must really hate her life. I’ve never seen someone so monotone or unsmiling in all of my life.
5. I’ve learned from personal experience that the media, including the news, is so biased and only reports what they think is catchy. I will never again trust that I am reading the whole story.
6. Vanilla Bean Noel is the best fragrance from Bath and Body Works.
7. Why do people go to court looking like the midnight Walmart visitors?
8. Speaking of midnight Walmart visitors…why do people go out in curlers and pajamas? I really don’t think there is anything at Walmart you need that badly to be walking around looking foolish.
9. Do guys really find the duck face attractive? Do girls really think they look attractive like that?
10. Why do people by Ipods over Droids? They suck!
Dear future SayAnthing,
If you are wondering why exactly I decided to write you, my future self, it is because last night as I tossed and turned in bed, I decided it would be an interesting idea. If you can remember, however far away you are, when we were younger we wrote one of these. It was sometime during high school and we were supposed to get it back during senior year before we graduated. Does it surprise you for me to say we never ended up getting it anyways? Probably not, since it didn’t surprise me then and it doesn’t now. Just another wasted project.
I hope this letter makes it to where you are one way or another. I think that by putting it here on the World Wide Web, it will forever be here for you to find. I’ll also print out a copy and keep it somewhere for you to happen across one day while you are cleaning your probably messy room. Time hasn’t been able to change that bad habit yet. I hope however far away you are, you have finally mastered the art of a hanger and the idea of a laundry basket. Seriously.
Well let me give you some clues as to where we are in our life at the moment in time that I happen to be drafting this letter to myself. I am twenty-one years old. I have ordered a drink in a restaurant three times since then and have only been carded once. Disappointing. Anyways, I am still working at Dad’s law firm. Ruby quit a couple of months ago, and Zooey has taken her place. It is only three days away from Valentines Day, and a week away from our anniversary with Matt. To see if you are still the same as I am now, I’ve picked some random questions from the internet (and my own head):
Favorite Bands: The Amity Affliction, Hollywood Undead, Rise Against (of course), ADTR (of course), Atreyu, BFMV, Close Your Eyes, Parkway Drive, etc.
Television/Movies: FRIENDS (always), Downton Abbey, and Supernatural.
Favorite Coffee Flavor: Folgers Mocha Swirl
Latest Boycott: Starbucks.
Latest Tattoo: Monkey behind ear.
Current Car: 2005 Nissan Sentra
Cigarettes: Marlboro Skylines
Chocolate/Vanilla: Always Chocolate
Favorite novels: Outlander, A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, To Kill a Mockingbird, Divergent.
Are you a good singer?: If you value heart and conviction above any kind of talent, then yes I am.
Whats your favorite pizza topping? Cheese and extra cheese.
Have you ever flown a kite? I think I must have flown a kite, but I honestly can’t remember. If I have, it didn’t make that much of an impression on me.
How often do you buy new clothes? Whenever I’ve grown out of the ones I currently own, when there are too many rips, holes, or stains for the article of clothing to be of any more use, or if Matt finally has gotten me to the mall.
Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap? I prefer liquid soap for dishes, washing my hands, or laundry. I prefer a clump of soap from my shea butter soap. That’s another thing I am using at this time, future me; shea butter soap. I swear by it.
Whats your preferred playing piece in monopoly? Car.
Have you ever sailed a boat? Nope
Do you think babies are little bundles of joy or smelly noisy things? Bundles of joy.
Have you ever been to a live concert? Hell yes. My favorite to this day would be Rise Against and Hollywood Undead.
Have you ever eaten anything prepared by a celebrity chef? Negative. I hope, future me, that you have eaten something of Gordon Ramsey’s.
Would you ever sign a Prenuptial agreement? Nope.
Do you like your own name? I’ve always loved my real name. It’s original and beautiful.
How much would it cost to buy your love? Matt has bought my love with his; otherwise, my love is not for sale.
Whats your current Mobile phone model and do you like it? LG Optimus. Heck yeah…I’ve nickamed it Optimus Prime.
Anyways, I hope that you haven’t changed too much. It wouldn’t hurt for you to be a couple of pounds lighter, with a clearer face, and whiter teeth but those are just material. I wonder where you will be sitting when you find this letter (either version: internet or paper). Wherever you are, it has to be better than today. Today is a dreary day in which no amount of coffee or AC/DC can touch the oozing and miserable gray that colors the view from outside my window.
This is the second week within a months time where the coast is being doused in water and then preserved in ice. It’s like a bad love song outside and it makes me long for Spring. If I were at home with Matt, and we were cuddled up with coffee and Downton Abbey, I would be much happier. As it is, I am sitting at my desk taking advantage of the fact that Atticus and Zooey are in a meeting, typing away to you, literally feeling the hairs on my legs regrow in this chilled air. Abigail, who at this point in time is in the process of blooming into a beautiful young woman, is fixing my calendar which was two months behind. Her long brown hair is the epitome of how I wish my hair was, and the object of the majority of my jealousy. Across from us is Hutch, who of course is plugged into his headphones and shooting dark and amused looks at me over the windowsill. Abigail may be Josh’s protegé, but Hutch is mine…even if he doesn’t know it or acknowledge it. This might not sound boring to you, future me, but my back is also screaming in frustration at my posture for the past few hours, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, and the past few weeks have been hell on my poor nerves.
Future me, if you didn’t immediately get that “my poor nerves” is a play off of the movie ‘Pride and Prejudice’ (the good one) then remember that now, because I really don’t talk like that.
I just realized that you might not be too fond of me. I am the past you. Wherever you are right now, I am about to make some mistakes in my future (but in your past) that got you where you are. Well don’t be too hard on me, because I probably won’t know I’m making a mistake when I do. That’s how I, we, have learned anything up to this point. Even Tyler, I wouldn’t wish away. The reason is, is because he put me on the path to Matt whether I realized it then or not. Even if that is the only reason, the only purpose of our entire relationship was for me to meet Matt (which we know isn’t true), I wouldn’t wish Tyler erased. Matt is worth it. I hope, wherever you are, I haven’t screwed up your life too much. If I have, forgive me. But if I have, then get your shit together.
If you have, God forbid, lost your way, take a couple of minutes to read some words of advice from the best person you could listen to…yourself. Though this may be better reversed, I’ll still give it a shot.
If you are lost in spirits: Think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Is why you are moping worse than that? If so, then find Matt and he will comfort you. Go to someone just for something to hold on to while you cry. DO NOT spend time alone. This is the WORSE course of action. If it’s not worse than the worst thing that has ever happened, then think about that fact and listen to some uplifting music, find Matt, and let him hold you.
If you are lost in love: I swear I will kick your ass if you have messed up what we have with Matt. He is the BEST thing that has ever happened to a little nobody like us, and if things are messed up then fix them. NOW. Nobody else has ever gotten us, and just completely understood us, the way he has and does. Nobody else makes you feel as safe, or as loved, or as whole as he does. I might get annoyed right now with things like how his week old beard rasps against my skin when he kisses my face, or how he farts in the shower, but I’m telling you right now…you idiot…I wouldn’t trade them for any smooth face out there. Nobody else can tame our crazy ass, and not only tame it but cherish it. If you can not say that he is yours, and you are his, then stop reading this letter and get to work on that immediately.
If you are lost in confidence: Remember everything that you and I have been through together. I am still here, and if you are reading this then so are you. That means you have survived everything that has been thrown your way. From where I’m sitting that’s a pretty big deal. Don’t doubt us for one minute. We have what it takes and deserve nothing but the best. Don’t settle for anything less.
Well future me…I think I have effectively rambled myself out. I have about two hours left until I am home in Matt’s arms, and I have some work I need to finish before I leave here today. In this moment I am happy, content, loved, full, semi-warm, and almost done with the day. There isn’t much I could ask for. However, if you finally are a mother by the time you are reading this again, give my baby a kiss for me and tell her/him I can’t wait to meet them.
It certainly has been a while since I’ve dedicated any real time to this wonderful blog. I’ve thought wistfully of composing something; anything, but I had to break up with SayAnything for a while. I’ve been up to my eyeballs with stress and work that seems to endlessly grow and threaten to bury me underneath it’s mass. Like any ex-boyfriend does, if you don’t have someone or something to fill that fresh void, SayAnthing has haunted me all along. Am I mercifully relieved of the paperwork, responsibility, or stress?
I’m buried much farther beneath it than I would have ever thought possible. It’s been dangerous waters, and I’m treading as carefully as possible; mindful of the hungry sharks circling my kicking feet, waiting for me to falter.
Shit. I am so tired.
As I listen to Journey’s “Faithfully”, I just have the overwhelming feeling of curling into a ball underneath warm covers and forgetting everything but sleep for the longest time. No amount of coffee can come close the the bone-deep exhaustion I’ve nursed like a child for the past four months. My new friend slash boss, Zooey [after Zooey Deschanel], has helped alleviate the pressure and shown me what a mentor truly is. Zooey is human, bright, bubbly, genuine, selfless, motherly, and everything I needed after my war with Ruby finally ended. Picture a wounded soldier, ravaged after two years of war, most of the time being beaten to a pulp; that is the image my soul was left two months ago.
I know that my journey to rehabilitation has only just began, but I feel like I have made tremendous steps to being happy here again. There still is a lot of healing that needs to be done between me and Atticus, but I know that takes time.
I have that as a tattoo. It is a portion of one of the greatest poems I have ever read. I define greatness as something or someone who makes a deep, resounding, crater-like impact on me. ‘Invictus’ by William Ernest Henley did just that.
Out of the night that covers me,Black as the pit from pole to pole,I thank whatever gods may beFor my unconquerable soul.In the fell clutch of circumstanceI have not winced nor cried aloud.Under the bludgeonings of chanceMy head is bloody, but unbowed.Beyond this place of wrath and tearsLooms but the Horror of the shade,And yet the menace of the yearsFinds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,How charged with punishments the scroll,I am the master of my fate,I am the captain of my soul.
Whenever I feel depressed, and drowning in my own pity I think of the reason why I got that tattoo and what it really means to me. Then I simply pick myself back up, brush my sorry self off, and keep charging. I remember what Atticus or Meryl would say to me when I was a child and I would fall down: “Pick yourself up and brush yourself off,” or “Rub some dirt on it.” Okay, that last one was more my older brother, Josh, but still…you get the point.
I’ve learned at my early age that you have to have fiery resolve to make it in this world. I find mine somehow every day through a rousing song, a gripping book, over a thoughtful and long cigarette, in the eyes of Matt, in an inspiring movie, in a passing breeze, in an emotional memory, in the smile of a stranger, in a project well done, holding my niece or nephew, in a new task that I decide is added to my bucket list, or surrounded by my family.
Today I will be going to have a drink with Zooey and Matt after work. This week has been especially hard, for one reason or another, here at the office. Every day Zooey and I have chanted, as our mantra, “Drinks on Friday!” The very fact that we still are able to laugh among every thing we both have going on, both professionally and not, is proof that we are both women of fiery resolve. We are made of stern stuff. I knew, in a way, that about myself for a while but after Ruby, I lost the confidence that I was strong. Zooey, God bless her, has taken on the task of rebuilding me.
God works that way with me, I just realize as I sit here typing this entry. He gives me the gift of being tested, just to let me overcome it. He always, always sends me an angel to help me back up whenever I need one the most. It’s a common saying that God doesn’t give you any more than you can handle. Well I believe this is true. I’m still here, breathing, typing, thinking, smiling. Therefore, I have handled every tough, heart wrenching, you-name-it burden that has been thrown my way. I’ve been so lost and off my path, wracked with heartache that I thought I would literally die of it. The pain was very real for me. I could feel being stabbed with a knife made of loneliness or despair, and wonder how I could ever recover.
Then, miraculously, I would find the white-hot fire within myself and I would pick my sorry self up, brush myself off, and keep charging.
Keep charging guys.
At one point in my adolescence, I wanted to be a bird. I remember my brilliant ideas on how to become a bird or at least how to fly. I have this very resolute memory of my first attempt at flying. Standing on the high red slide that sat in the backyard of my old house I spread my arms out wide and looked toward the heavens. And I leapt. Of course I fell, even after my awkward attempt at flapping my arms. When I look back now I don’t see it from my eyes, it is almost as if I am seeing it from someone else’s eyes. I see my erect back, arms spread out triumphantly, and chin set in my determination to jump and fly…no matter what. I do not recall when I first lost interest in becoming a bird, probably somewhere along my admittance into middle school…
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Guys go take a look at my little brother’s blog. He is an amazing writer, possibly even better than me! =)
Trick or Treat,
Smell my feet
Give me something good to eat
If you don’t
I don’t care
I’ll pull down your underwear.
I have that feeling. I would give an attempt at describing it, but I am not altogether sure that there is an exact word for what I am feeling. Nostalgia, perhaps? When the leaves begin to change into multi-shades of color and begin to cover the ground like snow- well like snow somewhere it actually sticks to the ground. The decorations come out of a years’ worth of storage all painted in cobwebs, ready to be put to use. Pumpkins on every porch step, lit with the “black flame candle” that resurrects the costumes and candy from the previous year. I can feel the clock ticking closer and closer to not only my birthday, but Achilles’, Winifred’s, and Sarah’s. And then there is Thanksgiving! For those…
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…Until the end of my work day this week!
Keeping this one short and sweet, guys. I want to wish all the wonderful bloggers who have read my pieces, and have liked them, a wonderful, fantastic and sunny Labor Day weekend.
Special mention and shout out to my little brother,Josh, who just came rushing in red-faced and out of breath…he has succeeded in passing one of the biggest pre-teen tests ever-his driver’s permit!
Alright, I’m outta here!